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Transforming for Healthy Partnering

Updated: Sep 28, 2021


Today’s Episode of the Starting Over Stronger Divorce Survival and Recovery Podcast is about Transforming for Healthy Partnering, a conversation with Rapid Transformational Therapist, Mandi Marie of Alchemy by Mandi Marie. Tune in or read along here!




Annie Allen: [00:00:00] There’s really nothing more important after a big breakup than to heal all your broken places. And everyone has them. Don’t buy the lie that you weren’t the problem in the former relationship. So, you don’t need to work on yourself. You may not have been the bigger contributor to the breakdown of your marriage. And honestly, if you’re a regular listener of the show, you probably aren’t. I once had a therapist explain it to me this way. When I suddenly came to an appointment wondering about whether or not I was the narcissist in the relationship, he said he could definitively and clinically state, “that is a no,” without any further testing. He also knew me for five years prior to this, but I asked, “how can you be so sure?” And he said, “because if you were, you wouldn’t have asked the question.” (ha-ha). So, the fact that you come here to get insight and encouragement for ending the marriage season of your life and rebuilding a new life that you can love in itself means you are probably the seeker, fixer, healer type, not the avoider, blamer, type. But that doesn’t mean you weren’t wounded. You are enough always just as you are, but there’s also most often work you can do to better understand yourself, your needs, and how to go about meeting them because there’s almost nothing as destructive to your wellbeing and the wellbeing of any of your future relationships than for you to jump into the dating pool without doing the self-awareness work before. Today, you’re going to learn more about transforming yourself to prepare for healthy partnering in your new life. Stay tuned.

Announcer: [00:01:59] Welcome to the Starting Over Stronger show where you’ll find help and hope for your divorce, survival, and recovery. Divorce well, Live well.

Annie Allen: [00:02:17] Thanks for joining me today on the show. I’m looking forward to what I know is going to be an insightful and encouraging conversation with rapid transformation therapist Mandi Marie. Hello, Mandi. Thanks for joining. 

Mandi Marie: [00:02:31] Thank you so much for having me, and I’m really looking forward to this too. 

Annie Allen: [00:02:35] Very good! Well, as I said, Mandi is a rapid transformation therapist; if you don’t know what that is, you will very soon. And she specializes in the combined healing modalities of hypnosis or what I kind of refer to as that, she might not, guided meditation, bodywork, and even yoga and Akashic dance. And I may have just totally mispronounced (Ha-Ha). She works comprehensively with clients who are feeling stuck and looking for mind, body, spirit, integration, and healing. So, tell us just briefly what you do with your clients and who is your ideal client?

Mandi Marie: [00:03:10] Okay. So, if you don’t mind, I’m going to actually give a little bit of the history of that and then how it came to pass. I had a reading, an Akashic record reading, with this incredible practitioner in Kansas City named Kirsten Mills. I believe Kirsten Harwick right now, her married name, her name is Kirsten Harwich, and she recommended through the reading that I explore Akashic dance. So, I was like, “well, what’s that?” And she said, “well, no one knows yet; this is something you’re going to develop. “And I’m like, Oh my goodness! So that was kind of the catalyst for all of this through experience and understanding what the record is, and we can go into that later. I really connected with hypnotherapy as a way for people to perhaps more tangibly connected to the process of rapid transformational therapy, which is essentially moving your conscious mind out of the way so that your subconscious mind can step forward. We access the alpha brainwaves and the REM (Rapid Eye Movement) state of sleep through hypnosis. So that you can regress back to memories, well memories and experiences, that you have basically judged and placed like placed in a certain part of your mind that has kept you stuck from moving forward in your life. So, we access those memories, and through a series of exercises, we reframe those and then meaning and interpretation that you have given them up to this point to create new neural plasticity in your mind so that you can move forward and create like the life of your dreams. So that’s one, and those sessions typically, like, for instance, when I worked with you, and we did it via zoom, so we can do that either virtually or in person. And then the second part of it is a bodywork session. It’s very similar to like Thai massage. However, we work with chakra energy for anyone listening; that’s not familiar with chakra energy, your body; obviously, everything is energy, so your body, in different parts in places, stores different types of energy. For practical purposes and spiritual purposes, for example, your root chakra is located at the base of your spine and is responsible for your sense of belonging, for your connection with money, for your connection with your family, from a spiritual perspective, it’s your connection to your ancestors, your lineage, and can hold a lot of tension and sensations of like fears and frustrations. A lot of that is held in your root chakra. So, through energy work and finding that tension and releasing it and allowing that to open up, you are able to more freely open up to the energy of that chakra and which case the root chakra deals with. You know, like I said, your connection with money, your connection with feeling a sense of belonging, a sense of family, and connection with the outer world. So that’s that part, and those sessions are obviously done in person.  We just work through the body, and I open up the Akashic records during that bodywork session so that the client is able to really feel into that and perhaps connect a bit more with their soul aspects. So that’s that piece. The other part of that bodywork session, I used, um, Tarot cards to help those different parts of our, we call, I call it my spiritual team. Like your spiritual team. Everyone has, you know, guardian angels and loved ones that have passed on that are there and available to help and guide you whenever you need them. So, I call those energies in and through the Tarot we talk to and give guidance for the client to help them move forward, too. So just any words of wisdom or guidance that come through from guardian angels, your ancestors passed on loved ones, spiritual masters, and some other really interesting energies. So that’s what happens in the bodywork session. 

Annie Allen: [00:07:43] Okay, well, I’m sure we’re going to learn a lot more about this as we go, but I know when we began to plan your appearance on the show, we looked at several different angles about the work you do and the topics you’re passionate about and arrived at ‘Transforming for Healthy Partnering.’  To break that down just a little bit, the transforming obviously relates to your rapid transformation therapy work, but also just in the general sense that as we come out of a bad relationship or end a marriage, there are some broken places that need to be healed or transformed before we move on well in our lives. And then the second part is healthy partnering, which with divorce has touched your life and currently being single; I know one thing you expressed to me was that it was important to you to advocate for healthy partnerships or for marriage. And I think that’s awesome. To be honest, one of the difficult parts of being a certified divorce coach is the impression that some people get that I advocate for divorce, which is absolutely not the case. I’m still sometimes astonished when I think about my own career because just seven or eight years ago, I was training to be a marriage and family therapist and thought that was the path my life was going to be taking, to help people save their marriages. And I still love the concept of marriage, and I believe it’s worth fighting for; I fought for mine for 10 years, much longer than most of my friends and counselors thought I should have. That aside, though, what divorce taught me and what working with people going through a divorce has taught me is that no good marriage ever ends in divorce. I want to say it again- “No good marriage ever ends in divorce.” So, what a divorce coach actually does is not advocate for divorce but to advocate for the emotional health and freedom of people who have been repressed or depressed, who have awakened to the dysfunction or toxicity or flat-out abuse in their marriages. And finally gained the courage and strength to choose, to end that chapter so that they can have the chance to experience the life they deserve and eventually a relationship that they get what they give in the relationship. And that’s the kind of healthy partnering that we want to talk about today. And the only way someone gets from a bad marriage and divorce to healthy partnering is by experiencing some kind of transformation. For some, that might be healing trauma; for others, it might be coming to just understand and overcome codependency or, frankly, just to learn how to get to know who you are and to love yourself just as you are. And it can just take so many different forms for each person. So coaching is about taking someone’s hand walking on that journey with them, kind of like a tour guide who takes you around somewhere. They know the lay of the land, too, give you tips and tricks, and helps you avoid pitfalls so that you feel supported throughout the journey. And so, I would just want to ask if you would just talk to us a little bit from your perspective of what you do with your clients on that transformation to healthy partnering?

Mandi Marie: [00:10:39] Well, that is, first of all, I just wanted to commend you for the work that you do and helping people to become whole again and be fully present in their lives and the way that you advocate for marriage. Especially by being a divorce coach and helping people to develop whole relationships. That’s just, that’s really amazing! So, thank you so much for saying all of that. And the other thing that I noticed, or that I long to, what you said was no good marriage ends in divorce. And I truly in genuinely feel that as we are in this very auspicious time in humanity and the evolution of consciousness, we are really recognizing and waking up to that, like, we are not willing to settle for some of the things that we have settled for in the past, in terms of feeling whole in our relationship with ourself before entering into a relationship with someone else. And I think that’s one of the things that has caused so many people to awaken and to get to the place where they do feel whole. And through my rapid transformational therapy, part of that is uncovering the root cause of why people have issues and why they suffer. We talked about the root chakra a little bit ago, and it is very much related to the root cause. And the woman that I did my training with is fantastic and phenomenal. She’s the UK’s number one therapist. She’s worked with the Royal family Princess Diana, she’s worked with celebrities, she has worked with, um, Olympic teams, soccer teams. Her name is Marisa Peer, and her modality basically requires the client to come to one of three conclusions of why they’re suffering. And the root cause is typically related to one of these. One is I’m not enough. Two is I’m different, and I can’t connect. And three is, I want something that’s not available to me. All of which goes back to memories. And whether those memories happen in the first seven years of development, or they are something that happens later on in life, it all connects back to these root causes of why we suffer and why we experience these holes within ourselves. In my experience in marriage, it’s typically some lack within that person that they express more fully in their partner that allows them to be held back and feel like that person. And a lot of times, you know, in a lot of relationships, that can be the glue that holds them together where one person is weaker, another person can fill in those gaps. We are collectively reaching a space where we’re all uplifting one another and having an expectation for all of us to be balanced and full and whole as much as we feel in both of those aspects and all of the aspects of ourselves so that we can move forward and enter relationships feeling completely whole and full. 

Annie Allen: [00:13:51] Yeah. Well, thank you. You’re here on the show today, Mandi, because of what you’ve just shared in, and before we actually have this conversation about healthy partnering and transformation, and I know it’s going to help so many; I want to first get a little vulnerable myself and offer a testimony to the listeners of your work. So, listeners, I don’t always have the opportunity to become a client of one of my show guests, but when I first met Mandi, I had actually already been hearing about and reading about RTT (Rapid Transformational Therapy). And I was intrigued but honestly knew very little about it. I had already experienced so many different healing modalities, all of which made measurable differences in my life. And bear in mind, if you haven’t heard my full story, I invite you to go back and listen to the trailer and stay tuned in the months to come. As I will begin talking more about the book, I am now writing about my life, but I will just say for the sake of time here that as I share my testimony with you, I am a survivor of childhood abuse and a 30-year toxic relationship. My journey to healing 44 years of dysfunction took the better part of eight years in and out of counseling and therapies that included EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy), Chiropractic, Acupuncture, Massage, Reiki (a Japanese form of alternative medicine called energy healing), essential oils, and countless books on boundaries, relationships codependency and much more. So, I’m at a point in my life and recovery that when I hear about a trauma recovery modality that I haven’t done but not even actually even heard of, I’m impressed because I feel like I’ve done it all (Ha-Ha), but this was the case with Mandi and with RTT. I could spend the entire show detailing my experience, but we actually have a great conversation plan to help you get from where you are to where you want to be within a healthy partnership one day. So, I’m going to summarize it like this. There were two sessions. Session one was a guided hypnosis session, which was not at all what I had always thought hypnosis was. It was more like a guided meditation. One concern I’ve always had about hypnosis is that I thought it would mean that I wouldn’t know what was going on. I would be sort of unconscious in a way that I wouldn’t know what was happening. And that was not at all what the case was, at least not with RTT. I heard every word that was spoken. I was able to talk, think, feel, hear the process and was just in the most thoroughly relaxed state I maybe have ever been in. Mandi described it to me beforehand as moving the conscious mind over to the side to allow the subconscious to rise to the surface and be in charge for the time being. And we talked through some childhood and young adult memories that made some connections from those to my present-day struggles. Connections, mind you, that I have actually never made before in any of my other forms of therapy. And from that session, Mandi created a recording for me, which is my own personalized guided meditation track that I can play whenever I want to keep working on or settling any of these thoughts deeper into my subconscious; the session was over two hours long, but certainly didn’t seem that way. I have thoroughly enjoyed it and had no idea that it was that much time. The second session was for me; the following morning, Mandi came to me where I was and did what she calls bodywork. And what I will probably always think of that as is kind of a combination of massage, Reiki, and reading. It involved a cushion on the floor, Mandi reading my energy, addressing blockages, and doing some stretches and massage to clear them based on what she had learned about me through the hypnosis session and was able to read in my body energy that day. And that session was also around two hours long. And very relaxing. I thoroughly enjoyed and truly benefited from this experience in deeply profound ways. And I bet you will, too, if you ever decide to do it.  So, and the reason I did it was that I had a strong sense that something “was holding me back,” and I didn’t know what that something was. And so, I highly recommend it to anyone with trauma. I’ve already referred a friend who’s done a session with Mandi and also remarked that it was a turning point for them and had one key takeaway. I had one key takeaway from my work with Mandi, and that was, the night that we talked through everything before or during the hypnosis part, I remember mentioning something to her about the fact that, through everything I’d been through in my life, one of the things that I’d noticed is that when I hear people talking about their abuse or difficult paths, and they say something like, “I wouldn’t change a thing,” I always just felt like I wish that could resonate with me, but it didn’t, I didn’t even have the ability to say those words, but I just, I understood why, what I went through made me stronger and helped me to be where I am today, but I just never could brace that concept of I wouldn’t change a thing. And then, one of the things that Mandi said to me during the bodywork session the next day was five words that I think probably changed my life forever. “Your story is your strength.” And it just hit me, like she said, your story is your strength and all of a sudden, in my mind, I’m hearing, I wouldn’t change a thing because my story is my strength and it was just like this light switch for me. And I felt like I really truly internalized it at that moment, and I maintain that feeling constantly since that moment. So, I really truly believe in what she does, and I would, uh, totally recommend it to anybody. But enough about me. Let’s talk about you, listeners, and your transformation for healthy partnering. 

Mandi first of all, let’s talk about what for the listener to look for in themselves, and then we’ll also talk about what to look for in a partner to ensure that the next relationship is not only the best but the last.  

Mandi Marie: [00:20:07] And you know, Annie, that was beautiful. You have such a great way to work. 

Annie Allen: [00:20:10] Oh, Thank you! I appreciate that; sound good? 

Mandi Marie: [00:20:14] Absolutely! You said something earlier about worrying that you might feel unconscious in the hypnosis. And that’s one of the things that I try to address beforehand. It’s almost as if you are moving into a place of, and this actually will flow right into your question about what you need to look for moving into a healthy relationship, but as opposed to feeling unconscious, it’s almost as if you are allowing this like hyper sense of consciousness where you’re bringing all of the pieces and parts of you into space where you can kind of see from a 30,000-foot view, your life. So, you’re seeing, you’re almost looking at your life from your higher self. And that is one of the things, and we actually spoke about this as well. We have referred to it in our bodywork session; we were talking about dissociating. And it was interesting when you said that, because I was like, wow, I’ve had that experience too, where you are almost stepping outside of yourself and observing a situation. And let’s just say that you’re out to drinks or you’re out having dinner with friends, and instead of engaging with the experience, you’re stepping back from experience and looking around at all these people and all of the things that perhaps they don’t know and all of the things that are under the surface and like, you know, placing yourself outside of the moment without being as an in it. 

Annie Allen: [00:21:44] Yeah. 

Mandi Marie: [00:21:44] And I completely relate to that. And when you said that, I’m like, wow, I’m not alone in that. 

Annie Allen: [00:21:50] Yeah. And usually, people don’t even realize they’re doing it, but when you come to an awareness of it, it’s kind of a little bit unnerving because it’s like, wait a second. What’s going on?  Why can’t I enjoy the moments that I live? 

Mandi Marie: [00:23:41] It’s fascinating that you say that and just making the connection with the work that I do when we do bodywork sessions, I start off with a prayer, and basically, it’s called the Akashic prayer petition. The Akashic Record is a vibrational plane. It’s a very, very light vibrational plane. Let me say this. We live in a multidimensional universe. Um, if you can subscribe to that idea that there are a lot of different parallel and different dimensions that exist within our universe. And the Akashic field is one of those it’s very vibrational, and it moves on the spoken word, and the Akashic prayer is the opportunity to invite in, like I said, all of your masters, your teachers, your guides, your loved ones, people who have passed to access your soul, not necessarily the body that you’ve been given in this lifetime, but yes, it includes this lifetime that it includes previous lifetimes and future lifetimes. And through this prayer petition, you’re able to move into that sense of hyper-conscious awareness, like seeing from your higher self. One of the guidelines for entering the Akashic field is that there is no fear in the Akashic field. There is no judgment. And there is no resistance. Okay. So, as you enter this field, you are entering a place of no fear, no judgment, and no resistance. So, to bring that back into a space of perhaps a shift in your perspective of dissociating, it’s almost aware of your surroundings, without fear, without judgment, without resistance, but also incomplete engagement with it. So, you can see and perhaps recognize little nuances and other people, which is part of the work of learning that you’re dissociating, learning. To reassociate and engage, but also to do so from a place where you’re not, you’re no longer in a place of being afraid of what you see, judging what you see or resisting, what you see you’re fully there, and you’re able to move forward no matter what the situation is consciously and for your highest good and the highest good of everyone who’s connected to you. So that’s part of the work that is done in the Akashic field, in the bodywork session. And again, in the hypnotherapy session, what we work on is really reframing those thoughts and getting you from a place of seeing it without associating with it, which is what we do in the regressing. Like in the regression, when you’re looking at a scene or looking at a scene from your childhood or from early adulthood, reviewing that scene, you’re doing it from a place of distance, right. And from not connecting with it, but just reviewing the scene to gain a different understanding of it, perhaps what, and again, people often will find themselves in a place where they come into a sense of judgment or fear or resistance. And a lot of that stuff will come up in. That session in hypnosis where they’re screaming and crying and a lot of emotions are released in those sessions, which is held typically in mind. So really, what the mind is that you’re working from the top down in hypnosis, and then the bodywork session, you’re working from the bottom up. So, it’s kind of a two-fold method to get you back into alignment with your heart space, which is where we really want to go because, as you know, the soul is housed in your heart and when we start to move from our heart, the energy that is expressed from your heart is so much more powerful. It’s a hundred times more powerful than the energy of your mind. And as you can send that energy out, you’re sending the energy out before you even enter a room. So, you want your energy, the heart of your energy, to enter a room before you do. And as you enter that space and you’re really authentic to yourself, that becomes apparent and evident in everything that you do. And people are just magnetized to that. Sometimes not always. Those people are magnetized to it, but it’s that sense of discernment and really understanding yourself and how you can move and shift and not judge people, but maybe just recognize that they’re in a different place. They’re in a different grade in this world that we call life.

Annie Allen: [00:28:25] Yeah, right. Excellent point because you know, a lot of people, well, maybe not a lot of people, but I think too many people want to move from one relationship to another without ever really pausing, to get to know and love themselves, to heal the broken places and to really wholeheartedly prepare themselves to attract a more fulfilling and healthier partner the next time they go out, time and time again, with all these people and wonder why they’re not enjoying the process. And it’s because that homework hasn’t been done in advance, you know, so we’re going to be talking about just why we think it’s important for you to understand and what it is important for you to understand, and that it really doesn’t matter how many times you’ve had a failed relationship in the past, or chosen a partner that was unfulfilling or didn’t work out for whatever reason, anyone can become a healthy partner and attract a healthy partner preferably in that order. And so, I think it’s worth noting that one of the benefits of transforming yourself as a person and as a partner is that that transformation seeps into other areas of your life, not just your romantic life, so that energy that you’re putting out, that’s going to attract that mate for you, that you’ve been wanting. Also, it helps you to listen better, to communicate better, to improve your overall demeanor by getting the heart walls out of the way, and learning how to approach issues with truth and grace. Not only will you see yourself differently, but others are going to see you too, not just in dating, but at work and in your family and just in life in general. You’re going to just show up differently, and that’s important because you want to put out the energy that you want to receive in every area of your life. Very often in life, in a very real sense, we get what we give, and that can be discouraging when we’re not living in alignment with our best selves, but it can be empowering if we’ve done the work. To gain that self-awareness. So, to start with Mandi, I am going to just share seven signs that I have written down here, that you’ve transformed and that you’re now ready to attract a healthy partner. You may or may not have all seven of these. You may have others that are equally important, but so this isn’t an exhaustive list, but just be advised that if any of these things that we talked through here don’t ring true in your life, that doesn’t mean that you won’t attract someone. It just means that you’re likely to attract someone that you may have struggles within these areas, and you may have even relationship failures in the future. So, heed our cautions today to really deep dive into your inner world and nail down these areas before your date. So, the first one that I have is that you want to date for the right reasons. You don’t want to have an agenda like you’re trying to make your ex jealous, or you’re trying to alleviate loneliness, or you just don’t feel like you’re a whole person without a mate. There are probably other bad reasons for dating, but, Mandi, what are your thoughts on dating for the right reasons?

Mandi Marie: [00:31:36] Oh gosh! Absolutely. There has to be a sense of fullness within you where you’re not trying to fill a gap. Like that is one of the things that you start to really understand and recognize when you do spend time with yourself. Like, what is it? And I’m coming from being a serial monogamous into this, you know, after going through a divorce. And I think Annie, you can relate to this, like really having the opportunity and the time that you can spend getting to know yourself and really what it is that you truly want in a relationship and what it is that you truly can bring into a relationship and knowing that, you know, you are moving into it from a place of wholeness and not from a place of lack.

Annie Allen: [00:32:23] Yeah, absolutely. So, number one, you want a date for the right reasons. Number two, you’re not in a rush. You believe, truly believe it will happen when it’s supposed to happen with who it’s supposed to happen with. Mandi as a single woman, do you find that you enjoy the social aspects of just getting out and meeting new people, doing fun and exciting things without feeling like you’re on a time scavenger hunt for the one, or do you enjoy taking your time meeting lots of new people, enjoying lots of new things and just letting things happen?

Mandi Marie: [00:32:55] Oh, my gosh. Well, that’s an interesting question. I think I’ve spent a lot more time. Like I said, I was a serial monogamous; I think I took a little bit different path. I didn’t get married until I was in my thirties. So, before that, I was in relationship after relationship after relationship. So, this has been a little bit longer. I haven’t been single for this long in my life. Like I have spent a lot of time really connecting with myself, both from, like I said from the top-down and from the bottom up, I believe that timing is everything.  If you meet the perfect person at the wrong time, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s wrong. It just means that there’s still a little bit of work that needs to be done, but yeah, rushing things and trying to make something happen is likely going to end in failure. It’s just, there’s an energetic thing that comes along with that. There’s an energetic thing that comes with rushing and just like everything, like people will pick up on that from this subtle level and feel that sense of urgency. That’s not right. 

Annie Allen: [00:34:06] And it may not fail, but it’ll be more difficult. Yeah. Okay. Sign number three that you have transformed is that you’ve resolved your anger. Anger is totally normal, natural, and even healthy. And you should feel it when you are experiencing the loss of a relationship that you expected to last. I always say, feel all the feelings you need to feel until you feel better. And why do I say that? Because I truly believe, and I’ve seen it in my clients and in myself, that too many of us have had avoidance modeled to us as children. And we learn to either stuff and deny and then explode or just vomit all over everyone. Whenever we have negative feelings, it’s very important to feel the anger, betrayal, hate, heartbreak, cry, every tear you need to cry, and don’t let shame rob you of that opportunity. You’re allowed all those feelings. And when you allow yourself to feel all that ugly stuff, the flip side of that is that you get to feel all the good things at a deeper level, too. And the closure, the excitement, the newness, the plan-making, the creating of a new life is all going to feel so much better when the bad stuff has been felt and released rather than staying stuck in it, clogging up your heart and competing for your emotional energy. So would you agree, Mandi, that the only way out of a bad feeling is through it, that you, until you go through it, it’s still there somewhere, and it’s going to come out before, you know, it’s going to come out when you don’t want it to. So how important is it to get through, through all of this stage before you start dating? 

Mandi Marie: [00:35:47] Yes.  So, I would say. It’s unbelievably important to resolve any and all emotions that you have related to past relationships. Well, I’m reading Bessel, Vandal Vanderbilt’s book the body keeps the score because that’s going to, that will present itself physically in your body, and it will show up in relationships when it’s unresolved. That’s one of the reasons that bodywork for me is important to do with clients. It Is to start that recognition that their body is holding or unable to release. Some of those emotions and feelings from the body, um, and move them into another place of peace and acceptance and anger, resentment, fear, and shame those all can present themselves in physical ways in your body, just as much. And when it’s in your body and being held, you move into a relationship, and you have a physical, intimate relationship with them. The person that can create an energy transfer and you’re transferring that on and projecting that onto your partner. And it will cause toxicity in a relationship, no matter what. So being able to release and resolve that before is incredibly important in moving forward in relationships. 

Annie Allen: [00:37:07] Yeah. And not only is it coming out physically, but it’s probably going to come out verbally, and nobody wants to sit on a first date with somebody talking about their ex. (Ha-Ha) 

Mandi Marie: [00:37:16] Absolutely. 

Annie Allen: [00:37:17] Okay, so sign number four, you can see all that was done wrong to you in your former relationship. But one sign that you have transformed is when you can also equally see where you went wrong, you can own up to it. You can make amends if that’s necessary. And you’re done with the blame game, who cares, where the fault lies, the relationship is over. Let it go. Owning up to what you can control is where all your power lies. Anyway. Even if it, if that was just choosing that person or staying with them longer than was healthy or allowing yourself to be treated in a way that would never, you would never treat someone and even sinking to their level at times.  Mandi, do you think there’s the freedom to be gained by acknowledging what role you played in the failed relationships that you don’t want to repeat?  

Mandi Marie: [00:38:14] I will say that in my experience with yoga and that coupled with having meditative experiences and even being able to speak to that, I saw a dramatic shift in mind, body, spirit, and soul. Like my awakening journey started with me saying. Um, and I think Brene Brown talks about this, “speak, your shame, and it stops having power over you.” And that’s one of the things I feel so strongly about and hypnotherapy is that you’re able to own. It’s one of the mottos that I have for my business is on who you are. Own who you are, own those parts of you that you contributed to the failing of a relationship, and then release it. So, as you own it, you don’t need to hold onto you say, this is mine, and now it’s no longer mine. I forgive myself for it. I forgive myself for contributing to this. Now I can move forward. I can put this down, and I can learn from it instead of repeating that cycle again. So, when you take it, own it, and then learn from it. I think that’s such a huge cycle, and that is what moves us forward and spirals us upward. 

Annie Allen: [00:39:26] Yeah. And prevents repeating the past. 

Annie Allen: [00:40:59] So, number five, this is the fifth way that you can know you’ve transformed. You’ve moved on. Not only have you resolved your anger owned up to your contribution, but you’ve closed all the doors, set all the appropriate boundaries, and have begun to, or even fully stopped thinking about your ex. You may go days, weeks, or months without them even crossing your mind. Good or bad? That is a very good thing. That we like to call closure. Mandi, what are your thoughts on the importance of closure before dating? 

Mandi Marie: [00:41:33] I will say this, Annie. I think that we oftentimes run into issues when the other party is not willing to close the door and continues to open that door setting. Very. Strong and clear boundaries are important. And I suppose that’s where I’m going with this. Like you can move on, but the other party may be stuck in another piece of that. So being able to set very clear boundaries is important in your being able to move on, and that’s all I’m going to say about that. 

Annie Allen: [00:42:12] Okay. So, number six, I think the absolutely most important way to know you’ve transformed, uh, and fair warning, prepared to disagree with me on this one. Some people do, and you are so cool with being single that you aren’t even sure you want to not be single. I’ve heard it said that the only good time to date is when you aren’t really sure you want to. And it’s not so much; the single life is hard and lonely. I think it’s the adaptation process. It’s that time of uncertainty where you’re used to being in a partnership, and now, you’re alone. And I think that can be the reverse if you’re used to being alone. And all of a sudden, you know, you’ve found somebody that you want to be with. I think it’s the adaptation, that is, what’s hard about it. And yes, obviously, people need people, but not all people always need a significant other. Many people have lived happy and successful lives with long seasons of singleness. But the main thing I think is that, tell me if you agree or disagree, Mandi, that if we date from that space of loneliness, we’ll attract someone from that space, same space. So, getting to that place of loving your singleness is important. 

Mandi Marie: [00:43:29] Yeah. I mean, I agree with it. I think that is like I said, a serial monogamist. I am used to being in a relationship I’m used to feeling not. So, it has been a very long process of adaptation. I’ve spent several nights being lonely, and I think that’s one of those that we were talking about earlier, and just resolving all your feelings is learning to appreciate that time that you do spend and falling in love with yourself. One of the most valuable lessons and gifts that I give my yoga students is that that is your sanctuary, that is your opportunity. When you’re on your mat inside the four corners of your mat, you are taking an hour or 45 minutes or whatever time that you spend in your yoga practice to fall in love with yourself physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally.  And for me taking that time has been incredibly valuable and being able to love myself as a single person. And it is definitely a journey, and it is definitely something that, where I have good days, and I have days where I’m like, I really want to be in a relationship and those days where I’m really like would I really want to be in a relationship? I’m totally okay with that. I’m totally okay. Saying, like, I really want somebody to help me because I’ve got to get my oil changed and I’ve got to be here at the same time, and I’ve got to be here. And wouldn’t it be great if I had someone to rely on that could help me with these things. So just being okay with having those feelings and being able to move through them and trust that. I’m not seeing it from a place; it’s not from a need because lack is typically a need space, but from a place of wanting, like it’s wanting, I don’t need somebody to pay my bills. I don’t need somebody to, you know, but I really would like that. And I want that in my life. And I think that part of my journey and being whole is letting go of the need of it and instead of wanting it, knowing that I’m whole by myself, but wanting that relationship. 

Annie Allen: [00:45:45] Yeah. I think that’s absolutely the key. I mean, nobody wants to date somebody that’s only dating because they’re lonely and miserable. I mean, just think about it. You wouldn’t want to go out with somebody if you knew that was her motivation, right? So, it is absolutely that it comes down to whether you need it or you just want it.  Like is it the egg in the cake recipe, or is it just the icing on the cake? Like you cannot make a cake without an egg, but you can have cake without icing, and it tastes pretty good. 

Mandi Marie: [00:46:16] Great analogy. I love that.

Annie Allen: [00:46:17] Yeah, you know, you just have to have some time, I think, to get to know and love yourself, and that might be eating, pray, love. It might be Netflix bingeing. It might be staying in bed for days at a time, bawling your eyes out.  It might be taking yourself to the movies, dinner, and even on what I call a solo journey, which is a vacation that I recommend for all my clients. Feel free to email me for a copy of that how-to, but simply just getting away by yourself and exploring yourself a little bit, that could be massages, yoga, filling notebook after notebook with journal entries, um, therapies. There are just so many ways that you can invest in yourself and just take the time that you need to adjust to the idea of who you are and being okay with that, whether a partner ever comes again or not. And then I think the last thing. Number seven, I would say, is a clear sign that you’re ready is the recognition that life is just full of seasons. Um, seasons are like seasons; they change. If you allow yourself the time to really enjoy each season, you can better enjoy the ones that follow. Summer was never intended to be followed immediately by another summer; we need fall and winter and spring for a reason. So, enjoy your singleness for whatever time or season that it is for you. And when you find yourself really thoroughly enjoying yourself and your life and only you, I promise you’re going to date differently. So, we spent a lot of time there, and we don’t have much time left today to talk about what your partner that you’re looking for is going to look like? So, I want to just run through four or five things here, and I’m just going to throw them out, and then we’ll just kind of summarize. So, I think that two personalities. Two sets of issues from childhood and previous relationships. Every relationship is going to require time and patience to merge all of this to whole lives coming together. And I think that a healthy partner is going to match you in some important ways in their presence, in their pursuit, in their communication, in their patience and grace, in the trust, and just taking care of one’s own business. If there’s a struggle if there’s an issue owning up to your part in it and addressing it. Obviously, I know that you agree that giving your partner the space to live their own life, how their need and want is important, as well as desiring that time together and finding that balance and just looking for the positives together and being willing to wade through some of the muck to get to that.  Are there any other thoughts that you have on what you’re going to want a partner, a healthy partner to match you in as you move into the dating world?

Mandi Marie: [00:49:19] Oh, right. Annie, I think you mentioned it in one way. I call it intimacy without responsibility. You can be intimate and in an intimate relationship without feeling like you need to be responsible for everyone’s women’s emotions. That’s not your responsibility. However, there is a role that you play, and I know that there is a school of thought that says the complete opposite. Like I can’t make you feel X, Y, Z way. I have a very hard time subscribing to that fully because while that is and maybe true, there’s also another school of thought that says, you know, people, you may forget what a person says, but you’ll never forget the way they made you feel. So, a very conflicting idea with both of those. And I think really, at the end of the day, you could subscribe to anything. And what you bring into the relationship is what you’re going to get out of it. And being in an intimate relationship without feeling like you’re fully responsible like you don’t want to be in a relationship with a child that needs to be parented. However, there are parts where you can have; you can support someone emotionally without feeling responsible for their emotions. And I think that there’s a fine line that we draw there. And at the end of the day, it’s really you being able to fully connect with your own emotions so that you can connect and help another person through whatever they are going through without feeling like that you’ve got to completely and fully give up yourself for another person.

Annie Allen: [00:50:53] Yeah, absolutely.

Mandi Marie: [00:50:54] You mentioned it earlier about the sojourn. That is, I can’t stress that enough. I have spent a lot of time. In fact, I spent the better half of two years traveling and visiting places and going to different countries even to connect further with myself and what my deepest desires and wants and needs are. So, Annie, I think that that’s a huge, huge piece of becoming whole in yourself. And I’m so glad that you share that too. 

Annie Allen: [00:51:26] Yeah, absolutely. It was life-changing for me. And in many ways, I could spend an entire episode talking about it. I probably should make an episode about it, but and in lieu of that, I have a document two-page document PDF that I send people that tells all about why to do it and how to do it, and what difference it can make in your life. So, if you’re interested in getting that, just send me an email to annie@startingoverstronger.com. Is there anything at all that you would like to say in closing? 

Mandi Marie: [00:51:57] Well, I’ve just really enjoyed getting to know you and working with you, Annie. I think you bring such a wonderful service to the world and helping people to become whole. And the work that we did together was just an absolute pleasure, and being able to share what I have to offer in the way of hypnotherapy and bodywork and yoga and spirituality. It’s just an honor to be able to have that service and to provide it to someone who’s been through it. A similar experience is a huge blessing. And I welcome anyone’s questions or information and ability to, you know, to connect with other people and to help share that experience so that we can all uplift. One another, I think, is what we’re being called to do right now. So, what better way to do that than through connecting with like-minded people and helping them through the journey.

Annie Allen: [00:52:50] Absolutely. And listeners, if you would like me to make a personal introduction to Mandi for you, I would love to do so again; you can email me about that. And like I said, in the introduction, the fact that you’re listening today is a testament to your desire for growth. I commend you for it. I’m sure that Mandi does as well.

And if what you heard today has made you realize that there are parts of you that haven’t yet transformed. That’s okay. We were all there once. Acknowledging a gap is the first step to filling it. If you need help in transforming yourself for healthy partnering, there is help available. If you’re still in the middle of your divorce, a divorce coach would be a great first step. If you’re not, you would maybe be ready to move into something like rapid transformation therapy with Mandi. All you have to do is just reach out. Listen to this episode again. If you want to better digest all this, take notes, make that checklist that we talk about all the time on the show, the future partner checklist, the five or 10 things that are must-haves in your next relationship. And then the second column remember is what’s most important. Those are the things that you have to do to match or track that. So, I want to thank you again, Mandi, for joining us. For sharing with us today. And I want to thank you, listeners, for joining us each week more to come on future episodes about all of this and so many more equally important topics.

Let me know what you want to hear, and until we meet again, remember there’s help as you divorce and hope as you are starting over stronger.

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